I have a new bee in my bonnet: it's the subject of critical speech. We've all heard about the power of an encouraging word, but have you ever considered the converse? I have recently been meditating on the power of discouraging words, and how to keep myself from uttering too many of them.
The Bible is clear that I should not give vent to poorly chosen words. An example of the overall message God has for us on speech is found in Ephesians 4:29-32 (ESV) which says, "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."
At first glance, this verse seems impossible. It's so... final! "NO corrupting talk?" And, "ONLY such as is good for building up"? I am mortal, Lord! But I want to please Him, and stop hurting the ones I love around me, so I've been asking God to show me how I can obey Him in this. I've discovered some surprising things. Assuming that we all struggle with this, I'm offering my observations in hopes that we will all grow in godliness together.
The first thing that the "nothing and all" nature of this passage led me to see is that when I fall short of God's standard, I have a much needed reminder of my fallen nature and His perfect one. We are all desperately wicked. Jesus tells us in Matthew 12:34 (ESV) that "... out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." I've been wondering, "What is it in my heart that causes me to utter discouraging words?" I love my husband, my kids, and extended family and friends. Why do I hurt them?
To use Paul's words, in Romans 7:21 (KJV), " I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me." God's standard has humbled me, showing me anew my need for a Savior. In my wickedness, I cannot keep God's perfect standard without His saving, sustaining grace. I need grace to do the simplest thing: guard my speech. And this fresh reminder has caused me to worship, to look up, and to gain both hope and perspective. God is not only all-sufficient, but He has promised to remake me in the image of His Son, and so I can have hope that I can change.
The second thing I noticed is that this problem I have is bigger than the momentary lapses. It's bigger than serious sin patterns in my soul. It's even bigger than my most important relationships with others: my husband and children. My corrupting talk can effect God Himself. I can grieve Him. Furthermore, I can shortchange the grace others could receive through me. My discouraging words can trip them as they run towards the things of God, and I can cause non-Christians to think ill of Christ Jesus. The stakes couldn't be higher, so I'd better get serious about apprehending grace for this sin of mine.
W hat, then, is in my heart that causes me to speak discouraging, unkind, unfruitful, grievous words? Well, there is a heart-sickness that I don't even know of. In His kindness, God orchestrates circumstances to reveal my sin. My heart is like a sponge soaked in purple grape juice. If anyone squeezes this sponge, what will come out? Not water, and not orange juice, or Coke. Nope; just pure, purple grape juice. 'Cause that's what that sponge is marinated with! Well, sin is in my heart, but I'm blind to it. Circumstances squeeze my heart-sponge and reveal to me what's already there. Here are a few things I've found as I've sought to control my words.
 | When I hear a child express a dream and snap back, "Yeah, well, you didn't even finish your Math; how do you expect to reach that goal anytime soon?" Squeeze! Bitterness oozes out. Though I may have provocation -- perhaps the Math battle has been long and my child has sinned towards me as I exhort him to do his best -- it is only a provocation.
What I do in response to that provocation (that squeezing) is what God looks at; how I respond both measures both my maturity and shows my true focus (the color of the juice that's already in my sponge). My bitter root, unattended to, will become a deep idolatry, affront God, and discourage my child, frustrating the grace of God in his life. A root of bitterness is a defiling thing that causes trouble in any family. It should be pursued actively, repented of quickly, and as mercilessly rooted out as the most noxious weed. (See Hebrews 12:15) I will never pull that weed out alone, though. I need a mighty Savior's help! |
| When my husband forgets to pick up milk on the way home, and I respond to his empty hands with, "You really don't care about us, do you?" Ouch! Why do I choose to express my wrath and anger in that way? Do I stand in the place of God as his judge? Why have I no compassion? Have I flawlessly carried out his every request? Does someone's forgetfulness truly indicate the extent of his or her care for me? No; but I am focused on ME right now. And I needed that milk -- or so I think. My sponge is being squeezed, and wrath and anger are emerging. I've forgotten to be kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving even as I have been forgiven!
So, discouraging words pour forth from the cesspool of my self-focused heart. I need a Savior; One Who will remind me that I have been forgiven much so that I can learn to love much.
|
| When my unkind friend starts to whisper to me at a local support group meeting about Susie So-and-so's poor homeschooling performance , and I not only agree with her slander, but pile on more, I defile us both. Why? Am I secretly envious of Susie? Or, am I standing in ugly self-righteousness, proud that at least my homeschool is more orderly than hers. Squeeze: my heart is showing its true colors. I need the love of Jesus to teach me to love my neighbor as myself, and befriend my weak hearted sister, not slander or judge her. |
The other main thing I've seen in my wicked heart is that I lack love, as biblically defined. Of course I feel like I love my husband and my kids! Would I be homeschooling if I didn't? But, take another look at this passage with me. Am I demonstrating Christlike love for them when I allow discouraging words to pass my lips? Am I tenderhearted, and kind? Do I forgive others for offences I've felt. Am I living out the exhortations of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, which reminds me that love is patient and kind, not proud, rude, or self-seeking? Or am I choking my fellow servants for sins much smaller than the ones I've been forgiven of, as in the story of Matthew 18:23-35? How do we forget to love?
| When
we're too busy, and we are trying to get out the door to
co-op and we say to our 9 year old daughter, "Susie, you
will never make it in life if can't even get out the door on
time!" |
| When our
adolescent son, who is in the midst of a growth spurt and
needs way more sleep than usual, forgets the morning chore,
and we say, "You are so forgetful lately! I don't know
what's wrong with you, but you better shape up!"
|
| When our
daughter says, "Mom, I like your hair." And we respond with
bitterness and say, "Yeah, well, it would look a whole lot
better if your father would pay for a decent haircut."
|
| When all we can do is complain about our house, or our car, or our homeschooling faults, or our curriculum, or our weight, or the thousand other things that we feel are disappointments, because we deserved better. |
We deserve Hell. We deserve judgment. We deserve eternal damnation. Most of us have, instead, a loving family full of fallen sinners trying to do their best, but failing just like us. We also have a Savior, Who is kindly, patiently, tenderly, daily making us more and more like Him.
Critical words. Discouraging words. Corrupting talk. God warns against it. Indeed, His Word has a simple command for us, ladies, "Don't." He says, through Paul, "Let NO corrupting talk come out of your mouths."
For the next quarter, until we "meet" again at this spot, could I implore you to bow your heads and ask God to show you where you have been allowing sin in your heart to corrupt your speech and cause trouble in your home? He is gracious and good, and has led you to this article today. In my experience, He never brings up a sin area without purposing to deal with it. Let's recognize our need and ask for His help so that we may be cleansed and become encouragers, rather than spewing forth discouraging words.
If you enjoyed this article, you might also enjoy reading other thoughts by Marcia on her new blog.
