Deprogramming Your Schooled Child

One trend I’m noticing among the homeschoolers I meet at conventions, support group meetings and online is that more and more of them have just pulled their child out of school with the intention of homeschooling them.

I never sent a child to school until my son went off to college, so I don’t have any personal experience with knowing what to do. But I‘ve learned from watching and talking with several homeschooling friends who have done so. They all use different methods of homeschooling, but the one thing they all seem to agree on is that you must deprogram the child first.

What does “deprogram” mean in this situation? It means taking a child who has spent a fair amount of time in an unnatural environment ruled by bells, and who has become accustomed to being watched by his teacher and fellow students, and getting him used to the more natural, relaxed rhythm of being home with his family again. The goal here is to get him back to being the person he was when you first sent him to school, so he can go back to learning for the joy of it instead of studying with the goal of getting a passable grade…or maybe just spending his day trying not to get in trouble for being unable to sit still.

(You might be wondering why I’ve chosen the pronoun “he.” It’s because probably 90% of the people I’ve met over the past few years who pulled their children out of school had sons. I can understand why this happens. Boys are more physically active and even less interested in sitting at a desk all day than girls are. I realize that’s a generalization, but the way schools are set up, boys often have a hard time “following the program.” Add to that the increasing feminization of schools over time, and you can see why it’s not working for a fair number of boys. Also, school personnel often respond to this by suggesting that the most active boys be medicated. That’s one big reason parents decide to pull their boys out of school.)

Deprogramming takes time and patience, and it doesn’t come easily to the parent who is ready to tackle homeschooling. Armed with a formal curriculum and the enthusiasm of finding a solution that just might work, that parent will declare strict “school hours,” set up a schoolroom in their home, and expect the child to buckle down with gusto.

The definition of insanity, according to Benjamin Franklin, is doing the same thing you’ve always done and expecting different results. Why replicate school at home when school wasn’t working for the child? That will not result in a new enthusiasm for learning. More likely, it will result in total burnout for your child.

Instead, commit to giving your child a break from “doing school.” That will give you time to read up on the many different methods of homeschooling and to find a support group in your area. You’ll also need time to spend with your child one-on-one, in addition to giving him supervised free time as he readjusts to being at home.

The parents I know who have plenty of “deprogramming” experience tell me there are other things you can do before you get to the point of adding any formal homeschooling to your day:

	Take trips to museums and zoos in your area.
	Schedule a family vacation (The school year is a great time to do this: lower rates and no crowds!)
	Play age-appropriate board games with your child, including checkers and chess.
	Read books aloud to your child (no matter what his age) and talk about them afterwards. One book I highly recommend is Diary of an Early American Boy by Eric Sloane.
	Give your child free reign with art supplies, and the time to be creative.
	Make sure he has ample time to develop and indulge his own interests.
	Put him to work on useful things, like small repairs around the house. This is a good place for dads to get involved, especially if your child has only had female teachers in school.

You won’t always have to spend this much time working and playing with your son, but it’s very important now, during his transition from school to home. Once he gets used to being home full-time, he will become more independent and take more ownership of his day.

After you’ve been deprogramming him for a while, your child will show signs of becoming himself again. Then you can slowly transition to more “academic” study, if that’s your desire. You can also just keep going as you have been, and have him tested (privately) in a year or so if it makes you feel better.

It’s hard to take the time to deprogram a child who has just come out of a difficult school situation. All your pent-up desire to help him doesn’t want to be held back. But it’s important to realize that you need to give your child time to become who he’s meant to be, and to find out who he really is, not who he was within the framework of a classroom.

Barbara Frank is the mother of four homeschooled-from-birth children ages 13-22, a freelance writer/editor, and the author of “Life Prep for Homeschooled Teenagers” and the “The Imperfect Homeschooler’s Guide to Homeschooling.” To visit her Web site, “The Imperfect Homeschooler,” go to www.cardamompublishers.com.